Photo by my sister, please don't hork it.
I totally baited you with that adorable and wildly unflattering photo of my nephew scaling me on Mother's Day in a failed effort to lick the ice cream cake we got for my mom. But it's moments like that, that remind me why I need to be grateful.
I see an oncologist/hematologist twice a year, thereabouts. Last week was my most recent appointment. This appointment is a reminder of everything I have to be grateful for. I might have generally crappy health, a giant gut I can't seem to take control of, and otherwise hate a lot of things about myself, sometimes (ok, a lot of times) buying things as a way to distract myself from overall self-loathing, but sitting in that waiting room and eventually, the treatment room, is, like I said, the most incredible reality check ever.
I'd liken the feeling to getting hit by a cinder block in the face. Jarring and painful and probably gonna leave a mark. Not so much up here, or down here, but right...about...here. Much like I am sure hearing "those words" is like. Except that's probably like getting a whole wall's worth of cinder blocks tossed at you.
As I sit in these rooms and see these people who truly need his help, and overhear diagnoses through the paper thin walls, that someone cannot get their chemo this time, or that chemo isn't working anymore, that the PET scan showed more lesions...my insides swell with rage that I am a giant waste of this staff and this doctor's incredibly precious time. These other people? They NEED HIM to save their lives or make their remaining days on earth more comfortable.
One of my proudest supporters. Here's a Diet Coke, in your honor.
I get in my car after that appointment with wells of tears in my eyes, thinking about how lucky I am, I have all of this....shit...in my house, in my purse, on my desks, in my life, all these people in my life, much of it I take it for granted so frequently. I see these people, some of them in there alone, all fighting so hard to not quit...and it pisses me right off at myself. But then...life moves on for me, then that rage fades away. And there is so much wrong with that that I get angry at myself again.
So, this post is me reminding myself "how to be." Have a great weekend, and thanks for reading this post, and this blog.